December 13, 2012 by crazymadliving
In 39 days I’ll be known as Race Number 2712 when I line up in Wave 5 of the 1.9km swim at the 2013 Ironman 70.3.
Following the swim, which I must complete within 1 hour and 10 minutes, I have to cycle 90km (4:05 limit) and run a half marathon (3:15 limit).
That’s a pretty big thing to achieve for anyone.
Since I started my training under the watchful eye of Evil-Steve I, like many of my training partners in the group, have faced many personal, physical and emotional challenges. Some couldn’t cycle well. Others had to work on their running skills. I had to learn how to swim (and I mean LEARN. FROM SCRATCH.). Each one of us had to overcome our individual demons, fears and uncertainties.
Fast forward a few running and cycle races and a couple of triathlons since August, we have become more confident and more certain of our skills – a testament of how far we have come.
Or have we?
I can’t speak for the others, but after Jailbreak, I realised that I have fallen into the trap of self-doubt. And after the initial euphoria of a race well-done, my mind turned against me.
“Oh, the run was too slow. You’re never going to make 70.3.”
“Your bike time was on a flat course, chick. What do you think you’re going to do with the East London hills on the 20th?”
“Yeah sure, you think you’re an ace swimmer now, but you’re still the slowest AND you are still afraid of the sea.”
Now, if somebody were to trash-talk like this to your best friend, would you take it? HELL NO! So, why do I then allow myself to do exactly that?
In addition to all this self-inflicted trash-talking, I also realised that I have become so comfortable being known as the Fattie In The Back, that I don’t expect anything more from myself. I may not like being last, but I don’t mind if I am last.
Is that what it’s come to? Have I become so comfortable living up to my self-proclaimed status as Fattie that I no longer push myself?
What am I afraid of? Doing well?
I read the following last night, and it really resonated with me…
So, as the year is coming to an end and Race Day creeping closer, I have promised myself to allow myself to push a little harder, allow myself to do a little better, allow myself to not be afraid. Because I am no longer willing to be defined by what I am not.